Want to Go Private? Page 6

  Sighing, I log on to ChezTeen. Luke still isn’t online. Where is he? It’s driving me crazy. I go into the music store and start talking to a group of people about some of the upcoming concerts. Then an MSN chat pops up from Faith.

  Faithfull205: Hola!

  AbyAngel99: Hey.

  Faithfull205: Wut up?

  AbyAngel99: Nothing much. Lily being Satan’s spawn.

  AbyAngel99: The usual.

  Faithfull205: LOL!

  AbyAngel99: Wut abt u?

  Faithfull205: Stage crew. Crushing on Ted.

  Faithfull205: The usual.

  AbyAngel99: Wut, he hazn’t asked u out yet?

  Faithfull205: No.

  AbyAngel99: Slacker!

  Faithfull205: Yeah. But we talk a lot while we’re building stuff.

  Faithfull205: Like, he flirts with me and stuff.

  Faithfull205: I think.

  AbyAngel99: Wut do you mean?

  Faithfull205: IDK. Like, how do you know 4 sure when a guy likes you?

  AbyAngel99: Ur asking ME?!

  But then I think about Luke and how he’s always telling me how pretty and smart I am. How he makes me feel special.

  AbyAngel99: IDK. I guess maybe if he says nice stuff to u and makes u feel special.

  Faithfull205: Ted jokes w/ me a lot. And a lot of times I look up and he’s looking at me and he smiles.

  AbyAngel99: So, like, he’s checking u out?

  Faithfull205: I think.

  Faithfull205: I know I’m checking him out.

  AbyAngel99: U Bad Girl U!

  Faithfull205: I know, rite? So anyway, I wuz wondering

  Faithfull205: do u want to come for a sleepover this weekend?

  Faithfull205: It’s been a while.

  Faithfull205: & I feel so bad abt my dad calling ur mom.

  Faithfull205: Sry again!!!

  Part of me wants to go to Faith’s more than anything, to see if things can be the way they were before school started. Like if we can turn back time. But there’s another part of me that is still really mad at her. And it’s probably crazy, but because I haven’t heard from Luke, I don’t want to be away from my computer. I mean, I’m sure I’ll have heard from him by then, but … what if I haven’t? It’ll be hard to explain to Faith why I need to go online every five minutes.

  The cursor blinks at me, as if urging me to make a decision. Slowly, I begin to type.

  AbyAngel99: Thanks, but I can’t.

  AbyAngel99: I’ve got plans.

  I’m just hoping she doesn’t ask me what they are, because I don’t actually have any.

  Faithfull205: That’s 2 bad. I miss u.

  Faithfull205: We hardly see each other.

  That’s because you’re so wrapped up in Ted and Grace and stage crew and all the stuff you know I can’t do. You’re the one who changed everything. Not me.

  AbyAngel99: Yeah. Well, maybe another time.

  Faithfull205: K. Definitely. Well, GTG do homework.

  AbyAngel99: K. Bye.

  I stare at the screen after Faith signs off, a sudden heaviness in my chest. My cell phone is sitting on my desk and I reach for it to call her back and tell her that I will come for the sleepover, after all, but something stops me from pressing the speed dial key with her number. I put the phone back on the desk, and check again to see if Luke’s online. When I see he’s not, I force myself to turn off the computer and pick up a book to read until I fall asleep. Even after Mom comes and tells me to turn the light out, I can’t stop myself from sneaking over to my desk and checking one last time. When Luke’s online icon is still set to AWAY, I want to cry. When I get back into bed I give in, and tears of longing and frustration silently soak my pillow.

  CHAPTER 6

  OCTOBER 7

  “Are you okay, Abby?”

  Billy is looking at me all worried. I must have completely spaced out.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired, that’s all.”

  “You look pretty out of it. Maybe you should go to the nurse or something.”

  As tempting as it sounds to go down to the nurse and fake a headache so she’d let me lie down for a while, I don’t want to risk her calling Mom.

  “I’ll be okay. So where were we?”

  “We’re on step four. Here, I’ll do this part. You get the petri dishes, okay?”

  I go to the front of the room and collect our petri dishes, then set them up on our lab bench. My hands are all trembly, probably because I barely slept last night. Luke better be online tonight to put me out of my misery.

  “Okay, here goes nothing,” Billy says. He takes a step closer to me and our arms touch. I notice that he’s flushed from the neck up. Weird.

  We start to label the petri dishes. My hands are shaking so much I manage to drop one. Luckily, it doesn’t break, but the lid comes off so I have to go up and get another.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Billy asks. “Because you don’t seem like your usual bright, funny self.”

  It takes a moment for his words to pierce through the fogginess in my brain. Whoa. Hold the phone. Did Billy just say he thinks I’m bright and funny?

  “I … uh … well …” I kind of just stare at him, noticing for the first time how his eyes are a really cool shade of blue.

  “And you definitely aren’t as quick with the words as you normally are.”

  He taps lightly on my head with his fist.

  “Hello? Is the real Abby home? Can she come out to play?”

  I can’t help giggling as I push his hand away.

  “Stop it, you dork! You’re messing up my hair.”

  “Now that sounds more like the Abby I know,” Billy says, grinning. “But I still think I’m going to nominate myself to be in charge of the experiment today, okay? Since you’re so out of it, you can just be Lab Flunky to my Evil Genius and take notes. What do you say?”

  “I say it sounds good to me. Anything as long as I don’t have to think too much.”

  With Billy in charge, we manage to get through the rest of the experiment without any disasters. I write down what he tells me to, and surreptitiously check the clock, counting down the minutes till class is over.

  “So … Abby,” Billy says, as we’re waiting for the bell to ring. “Do you maybe want to get together this weekend and … uh … study for the science test? And then I thought maybe … we could … you know … uh … go see a movie … you know … or something like that.”

  My head’s spinning from lack of sleep and the unexpectedness of Billy’s question.

  “I … I … maybe … I …”

  “Well, I know you’re kind of out of it right now, so why don’t you, uh, you know, think about it and then when you’re a little more with it you could, um, maybe call or text me?”

  He takes his pen and scribbles his cell number on my science notebook. I just stand there, nodding like a mute idiot.

  “Hope you feel better. Later!” he says, leaving me standing there, dazed.

  I wish Faith were on the bus with me on the way home so I could ask her advice. But I bet she’s busy backstage in the auditorium working on sets with The Amazing Ted. I rest my head against the window, listening to the hubbub of conversation and the tinny sound coming from the iPod earbuds of the kid in front of me (one case of adult deafness, coming right up) and try to imagine talking to Luke about this. But I get the feeling he’d take it badly. Really badly. This is something I’m going to have to work out for myself.

  I log on to ChezTeen.com as soon as I get home, but Luke’s still not online. What the hell? Maybe he was just bullshitting me when he said I was gorgeous and the “hottest chick he’d ever seen” and stuff like that. Maybe he doesn’t really like me at all. I’m struggling to concentrate on my homework, but between the exhaustion and my constant checking of Luke’s status, it takes me twice as long as it normally would.

  When I’m finally done, I see that Faith’s online. I ask her to go into a private chat.


  Faithfull205: What’s up?

  AbyAngel99: Billy Fisher asked me out, kind of.

  Faithfull205: OMG!!! Wait — what do u mean “kind of”?

  AbyAngel99: He asked me if I wanted to study w/him tomorrow night and then go to a movie.

  Faithfull205: Sounds like a date to me!

  AbyAngel99: I guess.

  Faithfull205: Soooooooooooooooo …

  Faithfull205: Is that why u couldn’t come 4 a sleepover?

  I realize Billy’s given me just the excuse I needed for why I said no.

  AbyAngel99: Well, yeah. I mean I haven’t said yes yet, because I’m not sure if I want to go or not.

  Faithfull205: Why wouldn’t u go?

  AbyAngel99: IDK. I’m too tired to think. I didn’t sleep well last night.

  Faithfull205: ?

  I can’t talk to Faith about Luke. People might not understand about us. I know she won’t understand. I just know it.

  AbyAngel99: IDK, just one of those nights.

  Faithfull205: Well, I think u should say yes. He’s cute!

  AbyAngel99: IDK. Not sure.

  Faithfull205: Y not???????????????

  AbyAngel99: I just …

  Without telling her about Luke, I don’t know what to say. So I lie. I’m getting better and better at lying to Faith. It’s kind of scary, considering how I never used to lie to her, ever.

  AbyAngel99: Just not sure he’s my type.

  Faithfull205: Waah? But he’s cute and nice — what’s not to like?

  He’s not Luke, that’s what.

  Faithfull205: And anyway, it’s only a movie.

  AbyAngel99: I bet that’s what Mom would say.

  Faithfull205: It’s rare, but sometimes moms r right.

  AbyAngel99: Yeah, very rare. Rarer than a compliment from Amanda Armitage.

  Faithfull205: LOL!

  Faithfull205: So RU going to say yes??????

  AbyAngel99: Maybe.

  Faithfull205: What u got to lose?

  What have I got to lose? A “relationship” with a guy I’ve never even met, who I think will be mad if I go out with a guy I actually know.

  Maybe Faith’s right. Maybe I should say yes to Billy. But I want to hear whatever it was that Luke wanted to say to me first.

  AbyAngel99: I’ll think about it. I promise.

  Faithfull205: K. Think about it & say yes! If u don’t, then u HAVE 2 come 4 a sleepover.

  AbyAngel99: Whateva, Ms. Bossy.

  Faithfull205: I hope Ted asks me out sometime.

  AbyAngel99: How r things going?

  Faithfull205: He’s sooooooooooooooooo cute I can’t stand it!

  AbyAngel99: O … kaaaaaay.

  Faithfull205: But we talked the whole time we were waiting for the late bus.

  AbyAngel99: Cool. Good sign.

  Faithfull205: He’s really funny and —

  She goes on and on, describing Ted’s wonderfulness, and I periodically write “Great” or “Awesome” but after a while I just want to get off, so I tell her my mom’s calling me. I log out for half an hour, then go back on briefly to see if Luke is online. He’s not.

  No luck after dinner, either. I can barely keep my eyes open because I’m so tired from the night before, but I figure maybe he had to work late at whatever he does — he never answered that question when I asked — so I decide to try to stay up at least till eleven.

  “Abby, turn off the computer and go to bed!” Mom says. “You fell asleep on the keyboard.”

  I feel like it’s three in the morning, but when I look at the clock it’s only ten thirty.

  “I thought you said you finished all your homework before dinner,” Mom says. “Close that computer and go to sleep!”

  “I did. I was just watching some funny videos on YouTube.” I close my laptop and yawn. I’m dying to check if Luke IM’ed me, but I don’t want to do it with Mom in the room. Okay, Mom, good night!

  “Did you brush your teeth?”

  “Yeees.” I groan. “Good night.”

  “Good night, honey. Sleep well.”

  She turns off the overhead light and closes the door, leaving it cracked just a little so I can see the night-light in the hallway like she has since I was little and afraid of the dark. Doesn’t she realize I’m not that little kid anymore, I’m fourteen? That’s one of the things I like about Luke; he treats me like an equal, like a grown-up, not like I’m a little kid with no opinion.

  Once Mom’s safely down the hall, I open my laptop and check. What I see makes me want to cry, because what I see is nothing. No chat messages, no e-mails. No sign of life from Luke at all. How can he leave me hanging like this? I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe he doesn’t care about me after all. Maybe he really thinks I’m ugly and this was all just a game to him — maybe he’s been laughing with his twenty-seven-year-old friends about what a gullible idiot I am.

  I grab my cell phone and text Billy Fisher that I’ll go out with him tomorrow night. Then I cry myself to sleep.

  CHAPTER 7

  OCTOBER 8

  Another day goes by and there’s still no sign of Luke. Mom’s starting to nag me because I’ve had no appetite and there are shadows under my eyes from lack of sleep. I’ve been waking up every few hours to log on to the computer, just to see if there’s a message from him, and each time I see there’s nothing, I feel like I’m falling into a deep, dark hole, my thoughts spinning crazily, wondering why he isn’t there and why he hasn’t written to me. Then I cry until I manage to sleep for another hour or so. I’m having a hard time concentrating in class, which I guess isn’t surprising because I can barely stay awake.

  Meanwhile, I’ve got this date with Billy tonight. Mom’s dropping me off at his house at four thirty so we can study, then we’re going to a six fifteen movie, and after, his mom will drive me home. I don’t even want to go. I don’t want to spend that many hours away from the computer. But then Luke hasn’t been online in days. What if he got killed in a car crash? What if he found out he has terminal cancer and only has a month to live?

  Or what if he decided that you’re just some stupid fourteen-year-old who isn’t worth his time? What if he decided he wants to be with a real woman instead of someone whose only experience is kissing Roger Hunter behind some bushes at the eighth-grade picnic?

  I log on to my computer again. He’s not online. No e-mails, no messages. No nothing. Fighting off tears, I try to figure out what to wear for the date I don’t even want to go on with the boy I don’t even know if I’m that into.

  Jeans and a tank top with a long-sleeved shirt over it, I guess. I figure I at least owe it to Billy to pretend I’m into this, so I put on some makeup and a little spritz of that perfume Aunt Penny got me for Christmas last year, the one that she said the woman at Sephora told her was “all the rage with teen girls.” Great, I thought when she told me that. I can smell just like all the Clique Queens, woo-hoo!

  I check my computer one more time before I leave. Still nothing. Luke, where are you? What did I do? Why aren’t you talking to me?

  If I’m honest, I have to admit that Billy cleans up well. He’s wearing black jeans and a button-down shirt, and truth be told, he’s really pretty cute. I suddenly feel kind of underdressed, like maybe I should have made more of an effort for this study date. I mean WTF? It’s not like Luke is sitting around at home checking obsessively to see if I’m around, is it?

  We sit on the sofa in his family room with our science notes, quizzing each other on convection and radiation and all the other stuff we have to know for the test. Billy’s smart; that’s one of the reasons I like having him for a lab partner. He can actually do his own homework and remember my name, two things Nick Peters still hasn’t mastered.

  “What are some of the properties that characterize a living thing?” Billy asks.

  “Um — it has a complex organization composed of one or more cells. It has a metabolism. Like, in other words, it has physical or chemical processes that create and use
energy….” I’m ticking off on my fingers as I try to visualize all of the bullet points in the textbook. “Oh, and it’s responsive to stimuli in the external environment.”

  “Good,” Billy says, smiling. “Keep going.”

  “It grows by taking external materials and organizing them into its own structure. Like, I eat doughnuts and get fat.”

  Billy laughs. “You aren’t fat at all, Abby. You look great.” He leans a little closer to me. “You smell pretty good, too.”

  I feel the flush rise up my neck to my cheeks.

  “Um, thanks.”

  “Okay, back to business.” Billy grins, leaning back against the cushions. “Give me two more characteristics of living things. I’ll give you a hint: You left out the most fun one.”

  Fun one? I’m picturing the textbook, responsiveness, growth, complex organization, metabolism, responsiveness … oh!

  I hit Billy. “You are such a perv!”

  “Who me? What are you talking about?”

  “The most fun one? Reproduction? ”

  “Hey, even microorganisms gotta have fun, right?”

  “Well, it’s a good thing some of us are more evolved.”

  “Ding! Ding! Ding! You’ve just won the prize for getting all the answers right!”

  “So what’s my prize?” I ask Billy.

  He pretends to think for a moment, but I see him glance at the time on the cable box.

  “Your prize is to be escorted to the multiplex by, uh, the amazingly handsome, funny, talented —”

  “And modest,” I interject.

  “And exceptionally modest Billy Fisher.”

  “Well, lucky me.” I almost add a sarcastic “NOT,” but realize that I’ve kind of been having fun with Billy, and even better, I haven’t thought about Luke in more than an hour. Except, dang, now I have. Go away, Luke thoughts.

  Billy’s mom sticks her head in the doorway from the kitchen.

  “If you guys don’t want to be late for the movie, you better start packing up the books and get in the car.”

  Billy sighs.

  “It’s pretty much impossible to impress your date with how cool you are when your mom is driving you.”